I'm a Survivor

Kevin and I would talk often about life and death.  It was more him talking and me commenting, but it wasn't something I ever took real seriously.  He would say "I know you will be remarried a year after I die," my comment "yeah right!" He would tell me "when I die scatter my ashes over the falls," my response "no I want you with me." He then would say "I will haunt you forever," to which I said "go ahead." These were our silly little banters back and forth.  On a more serious note, Kevin would tell me there is no way he could be a single parent to the twins, but he always said I was strong enough to do it on my own.  Here I am 17 months later, not remarried, Kevin's ashes here in the house not over the falls, he is haunting me on occasion and I am parenting on my own.
I have friends and family tell me how strong I am, what an amazing person I am and how they don't know how I do it.  Here is how I see my life... I am the support system for my kids, not just Matt, Nate and Dan, but the kids I teach also.  What good am I to any of them if I am falling apart all the time.  I would love to just curl up and cry for a day, a week, a month or a year but I don't have that luxury.   I am a mom, which at this point in tales, doctor appointments (many between a concussion and a broken hand), watching their sporting events, shuttling them to boy scout and volunteer activities, tutoring, and any other school or social event Matt and Nate have going on. Then there is being a sounding board and adviser for Dan.  Finally, teaching keeps me going too, my mood directly effects the kids in my class, if I am up they are up, if I am down they are definitely off.  
I guess I am strong, in a way my behavior is amazing, I do it because I have to, but ultimately I am a survivor.  I am surviving life, my life. I think that is the only way I can do it. And yes there are days I do just mope around the house when the boys are off at some boy scouting thing. There are days I just need that!

My Heart Is Heavy

I have always heard people say "the firsts are the hardest after someone you love passes away." Honestly I do not agree.  I am now in year two and I will tell you, it is definitely harder than year one. Year one I was still in shock, not believing any of this was happening.  Year two I feel like I am coming out of the fog but not completely. It hurts more now.  My heart is constantly heavy and I find I cry a little more than before. All sorts of things remind me of Kevin, music I hear on the radio, the beautiful fall leaves on the trees I see around me, the  gorgeous cloudless blue sky, the dogs that he wanted for the boys, my boys behavior, everything.   I still smell him in his clothes and his pillow.  Not a day goes by that I don't miss him.

I still cry, probably more now than before. I don't sob anymore but I do cry.  I then find the strength, pull myself together and continue on with my day.  I have to be strong for others and for me.  There is too much to take care of - house, pool, cars, property, kids, work and anything else that may pop-up.  It is a balancing act being able to grieve but not have it be all consuming.  That is the key, grief can not be all consuming.  It gets worse before it gets better, but I am sure that at some point it will get a little better.

How Are You?

A common statement, and I say statement because I am not sure it is a question anymore since it comes right after hi, is how are you?  My question now is, do you really want to know?  I ponder my answer often.  How should I respond?  Do I tell the truth: I am crappy, I am having a good moment or bad moment, I am up and down or however I am feeling at the time. Or do I just say OK and move  on.  I have spent the last 15 months contemplating this question and I think I have an answer, however I am not sure it is the answer people want to hear.

If you ask the question how are you?, please be ready to hear a truthful answer.  Do not judge me, do not tell me you understand, because you don't, do not try and give me advice.  You don't know, you have not been there, you do not understand!  If you have had a similar experience then you can share your experience but don't tell me what I can, should or would do if I were you.

I have faced this. One day about 3 months after Kevin passed away I was starting the school year and I had a very hard time leaving the house the first time.  I always said goodbye to him, gave him a kiss and walked out the door.  It hit me as I was walking out I couldn't do those things anymore.  I cried and had a difficult time getting it together.  Someone asked me later in the day how are you?  I answered truthfully and shared what happened.  The response was, "well just say goodbye as you leave the house and find some other routine."  I know they didn't mean anything by it but I was hurt.  I did not want advice, I wanted an ear.  To this day my answer to that person when asked how are you? is OK.

Not all of my experiences have been bad.  Same event, I called a friend and she came immediately, sat in the parking lot and cried with me, gave me a hug and sent me on my way when I was ready to go in.  There was no advice, no real conversation, she was just there for me.

So in the future just be aware of what you say to someone, especially someone who has lost a significant member of their family.  And if my answer to you when you ask me How are you? is OK, it may be that I am OK or it may be I believe you don't really give a SH--!

I Feel Him

People often say they can sense that a loved one is around.  I have heard people say they can tell someone is there.  I always thought I experienced it with my mother in-law, I could go downstairs and I would smell her. But I guess my connection to Kevin is so much stronger.  I can actually feel him. I mean I really feel him. I know I am not crazy.  Have you ever felt a cold breeze come across you when there is no air moving?  I feel that a lot.  There were 2 times recently that I  needed to know how Kevin felt and I got the message from him loud and clear.  A year and a day after Kevin's funeral I bought a new car, I was having some anxiety about it and I was driving home after going to the bank.  As I do often I started talking to Kevin like he was right there next to me, did I make the right choice, I hope you are happy with the decision I made and all of a sudden I feel this coolness right across the front of me.  I know it is him telling me he supports me and is happy about my purchase. 

The second and most amazing experience happened when I was at my acupuncture appointment.  Kevin is always present when we are there and we all feel him but this appointment was different.  I was missing him terribly and missing his touch and as I was laying there I just felt him there stronger than ever. I have never felt anything like this but I could feel him leaning over me and giving me a kiss right on my lips.  It is a sensation I will never forget. 

I have watched the movie Ghost  many times and always wondered if that connection could really exist.  When you meet that right person it really can exist.   Kevin always said he would haunt me forever,  I know that is true!! 

It's Not All About You

All people experience loss of one kind or another.  All people deal with it in a different way.  My loss has been huge and my boys loss is equal to or even larger than mine, but that is my opinion. I guess as I write this I begin to see grief as a personal feeling.  All people feel grief but not all people have to deal with their grief every day.
I know that people miss Kevin every day.  I know that going to a family event is not the same because he is not there. I know coming to my house may be difficult because the last time you were here he was here or as you come down the driveway you expect to see him.  I know that is hard for you but not as hard as every day is for us.  I get up every morning and wish he was laying next to me. All day long I move through my day thinking about him. Being good parent and bad parent sucks and after a year of moving through my haze I am now cracking down on the boys more again.  Dealing with a house and all that goes wrong with it is hard. At dinner time his seat across from me is empty and the conversations now revolve around our memories of Kevin.  I sit and watch TV alone,  I go to parties and family events alone, I go to the boys sports, school and scout events alone, I go to bed alone and talk to his empty side of the bed.  The boys would sit and talk to their dad about anything and everything. Matt would have conversations about books, movies, history, science, anything that they could come up with.  He misses that every day. Nate would sit and banter with his dad and work on his sarcasm, sing with him and enjoy playing video games together.  He misses him every day.  Dan would call and ask for his advice, listen to music together, share thoughts and feelings on different topics.  He misses him every day.

So when you say it is too difficult to go to a family event, visit a friend, or call someone, think about the people that deal with that loss every day.  Think about how they are dealing with their grief and existing. Basically suck it up, get over yourself, stop being selfish and be supportive of the ones that bare the pain every day!

I Did It!

They say your first year is the hardest, I do not agree.  Your first year is survival, numbness and existing.  We made it through a lot of firsts but now that I have to start going out of my comfort zone.  I did that for the first time the other day.  We were invited to a graduation party that was not a family event.  I had no problem saying yes we would go, until the day of the party.  The anxiety I felt was unbelievable.  I had trouble getting out of bed, getting ready, I was so close to calling my friend and saying I'm sorry but we are not coming.  I didn't do that, I couldn't. It was my best friend's daughter's party, I couldn't miss it.  She was there for me for the last year, I had to be there for her to celebrate this milestone in her daughter's life.  
I have not been to a party by myself in the last 18 years. Kevin and I always went together and enjoyed the time we would spend together and with friends.  The stress I was feeling was chest tightening.  When we were on our way I told the boys we would stay for about 2 hours, we actually stayed 6 hours.  I was so proud of myself.  We had a great time, the boys played and I sat and talked to people.
That was a huge step for me. It took everything to accomplish that but I did it!

I Survived

     Here I am less than 24 hours from when I made the decision to take Kevin off all of the machines.  It has been one whole year.  One whole year without Kevin, my best friend, my other half.  It was the most difficult day and  year of my life, but I survived.
     This year I have done things on my own in the house that I never thought I would do.  I have replaced appliances, had things fixed, I have been mom and dad.  I survived!
     Nothing about this year has been easy.  I was talking to Matt the other day and said to him "We made it through one year, now I need to go back to food shopping the way I use to. I need to stop just running into the store and grabbing food." Matt said "Does that include Sam's Club?" Because of course it is all about the free food when you go there.  I have been strong this past year. I have been there for the boys and kept going every day.  I got up every morning, went to work, took the boys everywhere they needed to go and tried to breath.  It hasn't been easy and I have not taken care of myself the way I should have.  I need to start taking care of me along with the boys.  I need to get back to exercising and eating better.  I need to be a good example for the boys and I need to be healthy for the boys.  I will survive.
     Today I was in the truck and a song came on by Cole Swindell.  The song was You Should Be Here. As I sat and listened I couldn't help but think of Kevin, it represented him so much.  I think back on all the amazing things that have happened with the boys this year that he missed, concerts, graduation, sports. He should be here. I miss him every day, every minute of every day.  My heart hurts, but I am surviving and he would be proud of me.
     

I Am Not Dad!

As I have been writing my focus has been on the beginning of the past year of my life.  Those memories are wonderful, sad and part of me. My life is so different now and I will get back to the story of what got me to where I am today, but I find my here and now to be quite unsettling. Being a single mom with twin 13 year old boys, a 23 year old trying to find his way and a house to take care of has made me quite depressed at times.

I know there are people who have felt this way.  How do I manage the kids going here and going there, this needs to be fixed, that needs to be replaced.  In the past I had my partner, I had him for everything.  He was the resident handyman, the landscaper, the cook and bottle washer.  Report card time, Kevin took care of dinner, never homework - that was my job, but dinner.  That really sucked this year trying to help the boys with homework, feed them, take them to their extra curricular things and do my report cards.  I felt like something had to give, it was usually dinner.  Probably not the best thing to give, but definitely the easiest.  We have been eating a lot of crap at times.

The boys try to be good and understanding, but they are 13, lost their dad, don't want to lose their mom so I am on time watch. Yes that is right, time watch. "What time will you be home mom?"  Phone rings,  "Mom you said you would be home in an hour it is 1 hour and 15 minutes, are you ok? Are you coming home soon?" So I am very time conscious now.

I never thought I was a good mom but I believed  we were good parents.  We worked well together and supported each other in everything.  If I couldn't be there or do something Kevin was there.  Now it is all me.  Yes I have a wonderful family however I am still the parent, both mom and dad.

Our year continued to get worse and the boys certainly could have used Dad.  Matt, one of the twins, got a concussion.  I am not the medical half of the partnership, that was Kevin.  Matt broke his arm in second grade, Kevin took him to the specialist, the hospital, went with him into the operating room and stayed with him  when he couldn't go back to school.  That was his gift, he knew the right questions to ask and how to explain things.  So here I am going to specialists alone not knowing what to expect or have someone there to say something I forgot, trying to help Matt and be my positive self. Kevin was the realist, I am the idealist (Kevin would say "DeNile"  is a river in Egypt.)  I like it there, not always a good place to be, but it works for me. Through all of this Matt spent 4 months home and is now only in school half day.  I don't know how I would have handled all of this if it wasn't for my parents, sister and friends.  Nate on the other hand is having his own set of issues.  He loves music and sports and is involved in before school music ensembles and after school sports teams.  He is having problems academically to the point where we argue and I have to send him out of the room.  Kevin and I would always tag team Nate, he is the difficult one and too much like me.  Now I have to find a balance and I am not finding it right now.  In order to help him though I signed him up for tutoring in math and hope that he finds his way with is help.  Then there is Dan and his year has not been much better.  Kevin was the voice of reason for him, his go to guy, the person he would go to for advice.  Kevin was always calm and thought things
through and would guide Dan in the right direction.  I am not Kevin!!! I try but I don't have his life experiences that made him who is was.  I try to think of what he would say and how he would support him and I know I fall short, but I am there for him, I listen, I advise and I try to help.  In reality I AM NOT DAD!! and I know the boys all miss him.  I know I do :(

My Broken Heart

     This has been a very long year and our first summer without Kevin was probably the longest of my life.  The first month I was numb going through the days, but there were glimpses here and there that he was here with me. Sometimes I think I might be crazy or others may find me crazy, but I know what I have seen, heard and felt.  I know he is here with me showing himself to me any way he can.
     One Sunday in June the boys and I went to my sister in-law and my brother in-law's vacation house in Pennsylvania for the day to visit.  On our way to get ice cream I saw this deer looking at me in the truck as I drove past him.  All of a sudden the deer winked at me, yes winked at me.  Nate suddenly said "Mom the deer just winked at us, did you see that!" Matt said, "That was dad, mom, I know that was dad." I knew that too, I could just feel it. The next day I looked out the living room window and looking at the window was a deer.  I called the boys in room and the three of us stood there looking at the deer and while the deer was looking at us.  There was Kevin again checking on us.
     When Kevin and I first met we enjoyed riding on his motorcycle through the mountains and listening to music all the time.  Our taste of music is very eclectic. We would sit at night and listen to Delilah, we also listened to Stone Temple Pilot, Creed, Train and anything else that struck our fancy.  One day, after dropping the boys off with friends, I had to drive home through Minnewaska State Park. I had the radio on  and as I entered the park Stone Temple Pilot's song Plush came on, one of my favorites.  The song played from the beginning of the park to the end of the park.  I cried the whole way through.  That drive was extremely hard.  The memories of the song, riding the motorcycle on those curvy roads and missing my love, my heart was broken.

This Sucks!!!

I am a mom of twin boys, a teacher at the time of 20 second graders, I don't have the time or luxury to be able to lay in bed for days on end and cry.  I wish I could have had that ability but I have to resume some semblance of our lives. Two days after the funeral I am back at work. It was hard walking out the door and not saying goodbye to Kevin. I just kind of said "bye honey" as I walked out the door, I didn't know what else to do.  You get into a routine and when that routine has to change you are very unsettled for quite some time.  I got to school and sat in my truck collecting myself, it was certainly difficult mustering the strength to walk in the building that first day back. Everyone was shocked to see me, but it was field day, easy day to go back and a day of fun.  My class was so thrilled I was back they made me feel loved.  Half way through the day I get called to the principal's office, I am moving to third grade.  More upheaval in my life but a good change I feel. Now I have to pack and move over the next 2 weeks. That was a lot to process on my first day back and I get in the truck to go home and realize Kevin is not there for me to call.  I would call him every day as I left work and ask him "is there anything you need, want or desire." He is not there to call, he is not there to tell I am changing grades, he is not  there to share my ups and downs with.  This sucks!!!

Celebration of Life

Kevin loved Sweeney's, he called it his second living room.  So it was only fitting to have his gathering of loved ones there.  By the time I got down there from the church we were last ones to arrive.  I walked in the door, saw a sea of people, panicked and walked out the side door.  The number of people there overwhelmed me so much I couldn't handle it.  As I walked through, the only person who saw me was Seamus, the bartender and good friend. He said to me "Smithwicks" as I went passed him and out the door.  Standing outside on the deck I was just trying to breath, process the number of people there to say goodbye and just exist in this moment in time.  Seamus sent out my sister with my drink and food and my sister brought out my good friend Stacy, who was and is an amazing support.  We sat there on the deck just talking and helping me cope.  Matt and Nate came out with their good buddies and sat in the corner and ate, talked and laughed.  I was so happy they had them there to distract them.  At one point I went back in because a friend of Kevin's started playing the bagpipes, I tried to hide around the corner but it didn't work, it was time to socialize.  Walking through that sea of people was insane.  I talked to so many people, and I couldn't stop and talk to anyone for a long time because I wanted to make sure I saw everyone. This was something Kevin was really good at and I just followed in his wake, holding his hand, talking to people and moving on with him. Now I have to learn to do this on my own.
The Walker family is extremely musically talented.  Kevin taught himself guitar, Dan, our son, has his degree in instrumental music education, Greg, our nephew, plays any instrument he can get his hands on and Mark, another nephew, plays the guitar.  The three boys decided they would play "Kiss Me I'm Irish" by Gaelic Storm, with help from my brother in-law Bill.  If you ever heard the song you would know it is so Kevin. They did such an amazing job, unfortunately I do not have a recording of them playing it. In memory of my wonderful Irish husband I made sure I went through the entire bar and toasted every person there before the song ended.  It was my way of saying thank you for being there to celebrate the life of a wonderful man.

Saying Good-bye

The day has come.  I am not ready. It is not real. I say to myself "be strong, for you, for the boys, for the people who will be there today going through the line."

I have several friends who were amazing through this whole process, but 2 of them had been through the same thing I was going through.  They lost their husbands when their children were young.  They were my  guides as I moved through these days.  They talked to me, they listened to me and they encouraged me.  They tried to prepare me for those two days.  I remember them coming through the line and all I remember say to them was "you forgot to tell me I would be comforting everyone else."  That is your job as all these people come through the line.  Give hugs, console, listen.

The time had come for us to leave the house and go to the funeral home.  Kevin's friend Tim is here from California.  He had promised Kevin he would be there for his family.  Tim will be my driver for the next few days.  We get to the funeral home and go through all the particulars, where to stand, how the line will go, water in the refrigerator.  Then I see our friend Mike with the Correction Officers Honor Guard, I am relieved he is there to direct them.

It is just about time. The Honor Guard is in place, the boys are there with me lined up, I think we are ready.  I look down and see my two little boys so strong, so brave, standing ready to greet these people they don't know. The afternoon wasn't so bad, not too many people. There was a constant flow but nothing crazy.  The evening was three hours of nonstop people. People stood in line for an hour waiting to talk to us. Kevin was well known, well liked and involved in many things. Then add my friends and co-workers, the boys friends and teachers, and family and you have a sh-- load of people. I don't remember everyone that came through, certain people stick out in my mind for different reasons, a parent of one of my students with a hand made card, the boy scouts all in uniform, and 100 masons lined up for the masonic service. I remember Nate standing there with a box of tissues for people as they got to him because more times than not they were crying.  I remember consoling people, hugging people, and watching my boys grow up right there before my eyes talking to people like grown up men.  That was one of the longest days of my life.

The second longest day was the next day, the funeral.  We got to the funeral home and I was strong and stoic until the very end when I had to say goodbye.  Then I fell apart, Tim had to walk me out to the car as I sat there in tears, the boys were getting directions on being pall bearers. We get to the church and I come around the corner and there are bagpipes and the honor guard.  I am not going to make it through today. I start to cry.  The 4 boys then line up with their uncle, Kevin's brother and 3 cousins, one to represent each family and begin to carry in the casket. I follow them in the church. We get inside and I see a church full of people, every pew is full and people are standing, I am beside myself. All I say to myself is breath, you can do this.  Again I don't remember everything.  There are somethings that stick out in my mind, our friends Beth, Alec and Sara singing, a different parent of one of my students there, and as each person comes by for communion they touch my shoulder, hug me or grab my hand.

Now Kevin had quite the sense of humor, as we sat there in church the organist finishes playing a song and all of a sudden the book fell and hit the keys.  I had to laugh, all the years going to church that has
never happened. I know Kevin did it. When the service was over the procession moved outside, more bagpipes, more honor guard, now the folding of the flag. Standing there I see the casket start to move toward the car, I see my brother in-law move to stop it, I start to laugh, my sister and sister in-law move to console me I turn and they both are surprised I am not crying. Kevin was done, he was saying enough of this B---s--- go to Sweeney's already. He hated being the center of attention.  I get the flag and they move him into the car.  It is time, this is it, I have to say my final goodbye.  I reach in, touch the casket and tell him I love him.  Then he is gone and I am here alone, but not really.

Planning our good-bye

After another night of not much sleep I go to meet with our priest, Reverend Peggy.  She is amazing.  Kevin loved talking to her and would discuss the bible with her for hours.  The bible is not my specialty. I go to church, I listen to the sermon, Kevin and I would discuss the sermon, our thoughts and feelings, but I could not talk to him about the bible.  I never really read it or understood it the way he did. So, when the boys and I sat down to talk with Reverend Peggy I was at a loss. As we sat and discussed the particulars I had to pick out reading and hymns. How do you pick just the right ones, I felt overwhelmed but with the help of Peggy and Dan we picked the perfect readings and hymns for Kevin.  Then we had to discuss the eulogy, the four boys wanted to talk about their dad.  Reverend Peggy had the best advice for the boys, especially since the twins, Matt and Nate wanted to talk about their dad, she said tell one story about your dad because you don't want everyone else to think they can own your pain.  Reverend Peggy was that bright light in that very dark day.  

The boys and I went home and prepared for our up coming two days.  We had to shop for clothes, the 3 boys, Dan, Matt and Nate, decided they wanted to match, black pants, black shirts and sunglasses. The hardest part was picking out clothes for me, I always tried clothes on and got Kevin's opinion even though he always said "Baby doll you look great in everything!" I missed hearing that and of course the boys were all yeah mom that looks good.  Not the same.

The final thing that needed to be done was going through pictures and putting together the boards.  Let me tell you there was a lot of crying.  All of those memories, pictures from when we were dating and trips with Dan, our wedding, the boys being born, vacations with them, and all that we had done together, with the kids or alone all came flooding back. All I thought was this sucks, I miss him so much, I need him here with me. However, the happy memories helped me through and so did the boys.

Getting Ready to Say Goodbye

How do you prepare to say goodbye to your other half? I just didn't know. The whole thing was so overwhelming. After 2 hours of sleep I start my phone calls. The first call goes to the funeral director who goes over what I need to do today: meet with him, pick out a suit, write Kevin's obituary and think about what Kevin and I had discussed for his funeral when the day came.  When the boys get up I am sitting at the table trying to write, what do I say, what do I include. I share with Dan what I have written and it gets the family approval. I now need to decide on a suit, shirt and tie.  He always looked so handsome in a suit and I loved seeing him in a blue tie.  I honestly don't remember what shirt I put him in, I guess it was not important. I go to the funeral home with the 2 older boys, the twins don't need to be part of this, it is hard enough for them. We make all of the arrangements, one day wake, honor guard because he was a CO, masonic service and pick out an urn because he wanted to be cremated.  There we are looking at urns, I do not know what I want. Then it jumps out at me, a simple box with an 8x10 frame, perfect. Check, one thing done and I made it through.
When Kevin's mom passed away we went to Sweeney's Irish Pub to decompress and discuss what needed to be done next.  It seemed only fitting that I take Dan and John there for us to remember and honor their father. We discuss what still needs to be done, meet with the priest, select pictures, order flowers and make sure everyone has clothes clothes to wear for the 2 days.  I also use this time to plan the gathering after the funeral.  A celebration of life at Sweeney's, Kevin's second living room as he called it. My heart is heavy as I go through all of this but I am brave and strong for the boys.  I am also very much in shock.

I Am Not Really Alone

Kevin always said he would haunt me forever.  I thought I believed in all of that but never having the strong connection to someone the way I have to Kevin I was not sure.  The first morning home, not being able to sleep, everything racing through my head, I was laying in our bed missing him terribly.  The boys were asleep, the dogs were at my parents house and all of a sudden the bedroom door opens.  I know he is there.  I know he is with me. Our connection is one that will never be broken.  At that point I knew, Kevin may not be here with me physically but I know he will help to guide me on this journey I am now on alone.

The Beginning

Sue and Kevin 

June 4, 2015 my entire world changed. I did not choose this, I did not want this, I did not deserve this. I became a single mom, alone missing my partner, my husband, my best friend.  All that I thought about was how am going to survive, what am I going to do, how can I do this.  Then I said to myself I have to do this for my kids, my 12 year old twin boys who just lost their dad, my 22 year old son who is finishing college and dad isn't there to coach him through the rest of his life.  I am now mom and dad.  I can do this, I will find the New Normal.