It's OK to Share Your Feelings

Recently we hit another milestone, the boys graduated 8th grade and are moving on to high school.  The morning was difficult in our house.  The tension was very high and tempers were flaring.  It doesn't make for a positive start to our day but I totally understood what was happening.

Matt was sitting at the table eating when I came out.  I asked him how he was and he snapped at me.  I told him I was driving his brother in to school and he snapped at me again.  I then asked him what was wrong and his answer, in a not so nice tone, was "NOTHING!" At that point I said to him, "it is OK to be angry", response: "I am not angry."  Sometimes I think kids need to know what you as the adult is feeling so they are comfortable to share their thoughts and feelings. So I said to Matt, "I am sad and it is OK to be sad and mad." His response then was "I am mad dad is not here."

Driving Nate to school he says, "I don't know why Matt is so angry, I just try to be happy everyday."  I then explained to him it is alright to be angry that dad is not here, I am sad.  He sat there in the car next to me, the smile left his face and he became very silent.  Sometimes you just need to be told it is fine to grieve, to be angry, to not be your "normal" self.

When I walked into the auditorium I thought I was fine, I had cried the night before and in the morning. I thought I was done. As I sat down the anger rose in me and the tears started.  I missed having Kevin sitting there with me.  During the ceremony the boys received the Anthony Cola Award.  They started to explain the award and talked about Anthony and I started to cry and then they announced the recipients and I cried more.  I cried for two reasons: one that Kevin was not there to see this and the second was that Anthony was not there for his parents. My heart was breaking for all of us at that moment.

I am comforted knowing the boys have family that love them and care about them. That family is not just blood, it is masonic, corrections, school, scouts and friends.  We are blessed!

Moving Forward, Not Moving On

This morning I woke up at 7am, wide awake, sat up not quite sure why.  Then it hit me! Two years ago today I woke up at 7am after 2 hours of sleep realizing I was alone, the love of my life was no longer with me.  

As I begin the third year without Kevin I have decided I need to stop just existing, I need to begin to live again.  What does that mean?  Well for the last two years, existing meant being there for the boys, get them where they need to be and do what needs to be done for them.  Living is a whole different thing.  As I take a step back and look at my life I realize I am not taking care of the other things in my life that need to be taken care of.  I have to start taking care of the house more, the yard, the day to day normal things that need to be done that have not been done. I need to put those expectations back on the boys that were there before that have not been there for the last two years.  I need to make sure they help around the house, it is not all about me doing everything. I need to take care of me, exercise, watch what I eat, be more healthy. 

During the last month the boys have helped me start that process.  Matt and Nate have shared a room since they were born, a month and a half ago they decided they wanted separate rooms.  We painted rooms and moved furniture.  It took a month and a half to complete the whole process but we did it.  I painted Matt's room by myself, I had never painted a room in my life. Kevin was the painter, he enjoyed all that, I would do the trim but never the walls.  But, the boys wanted their rooms painted so their rooms got painted and they look pretty good too if I say so myself.  

I know this will be a slow process but definitely something I need to do not just for me but for the boys too. I love Kevin and will love him forever, I am not moving on but moving forward! 

Mom or Sybil Depends on the Day

As a single mom how do I deal with teenage boys and their attitudes? I don’t know because two is definitely more difficult than one and doing it solo is much harder than with a partner.  Kevin and I tag teamed Dan when he was a teenager, Matt and Nate don’t have that luxury.  They just have crazy me ... sometimes known as Sybil.   Well, Matt and Nate are now 14 years old and getting that teenage attitude like all teenagers do and have that underlying anger about their dad. Teenage attitude on crack, that's what I deal with every day. What do I do? Sometimes I give it right back to them.  Is that the best thing to do, probably not but that is what happens. With Kevin by my side, if one of us went off the hook and yelled and screamed the other was there as the voice of reason. Never contradicting what the other said but said it whole lot calmer. Now I am the yelling one and the voice of reason. I am seriously having difficulty finding that balance. We have good days and bad days. Screaming days and calm days.  After every confrontation I re-evaluate what happened, how can I handle it differently, what can I say in a different manner. I find I am apologizing for my outbursts and the anger that I have for no reason in particular.
Last week I guess I reached the breaking point. I had it out with one of the boys because of grades one night. The next morning it continued until I got him to school. As I was driving to work all I could do was yell at Kevin, "how could you leave me!", I cried and yelled some more "how could you leave me alone with them!" It continued, "what am I suppose to do by myself, how can I do this alone?!" I talk to Kevin often and I am working on self reflecting because that is the only way I am going to get through my days with any amount of sanity.

Only What I Can Handle

So they say God only gives us what we can handle.  For the last 21 months I felt like I was given more than my fair share.  Things went wrong in the house, Matt got a concussion that has lasted 15 months and Nate has had his fair share of problems academically and broken bones.  The whole time I am saying enough is enough, why am I getting hit with all of this.  This week I realized why!  I am a strong, independent person who believed right from the time Kevin passed away that I could do this.  I can be mom, teacher, homeowner, whatever I need to do I can do it.  I have friends to do things with and go places with to keep busy.  I have my parents and sister when I need help.  I am all good.   This week I realized that God keeps throwing things at me because there was something I needed to learn.  I needed to learn to ask for help from friends.  I needed to understand there are people who have been in my life or have come into my life that can help me.  This week was my eye opener when Nate had places to be and Matt had different therapies for his concussion, all at the same time.  I got in touch with friends who were involved in the same activities and asked for help.  Of course I have amazing people in my life who immediately helped me out.   I am learning.  I won't say I have completely changed but I am working on it.  Thank you friends for being there for my boys and me, you are the best!!!

The First of Many

This year as we continue through our second year without Kevin and move into year 3, we are beginning to hit the big things without Kevin.  Today was the first of many big things in our lives that we are doing without Kevin.  The twins were confirmed this morning.  For me it was extremely difficult standing there watching my boys in their new suits being blessed by the bishop by myself. My family was there with me but I was not with my partner, soul mate, the boys dad. I was alone.  During the service I cried several times and just tried to keep it together the rest of the day.  Nate and I went out in the afternoon and talked about the day.  He is a very wise young man. We discussed how I missed dad being there with me and with them.  Nate's response was "Mom, Dad was there standing right next to you."  I love that boy and his spirit and insight.  I try to be strong for them but I think they are the strong ones for me!

Memories

Recently a number of people that I know have lost someone close to them. This is probably the best advice I can give, talk about your loved one as much as possible.  

The boys and I talk about Kevin all the time. We tell stories about things we remember.  We laugh together about things he said and things he did. Those memories keep us going and close to him always.  These conversations I don't always start, the boys now start them also.
  

Not long ago Nate mentioned he really didn't like Halloween.  Let me tell you it is definitely not my favorite.  We talked about trick or treating and how Kevin would always refuse to go with us, his excuse was "someone might come to the house and I need to be here to give out candy."  No one ever came to our house and we never had any candy.  We laughed about that, then the boys mentioned Fright Fest which we now do.  They said, "Dad would have loved Fright Fest. He would have gone ahead of you, mom and hid around the corner to scare you."  We laughed and laughed. He so would have done that. Right after that the door bell rang, we had friends coming over.  Nate said, "Mom, remember that night Oscar stopped by and dad yelled something at the door.  What was that he said?" Well if you have seen SNL there was a skit on there that had to do with someone at a door.  Our friend Antoni was at the house when that happened and he was the one at the other side of the door this time.  He was able to share that story with the boys. They thought it was the funniest thing.  

This past week the boys and I went to a birthday party for a friend. I sat there watching the boys play at the table flipping bottles, waving their hands back and forth to the music, and calling out songs to the band with a man who worked with Kevin for years and was his "brother".  All those things the boys would have been doing with their dad, but this man, this friend did this with them selflessly.  Driving home we talked about it.  The boys talked about how they would have done all of that with dad and they were happy to have done those things and been able to think about him.

We talk about Kevin so much that it doesn't hurt as much to mention him. It is actually a comfort.  I miss him every day but the memories of him and the things we have done together help me get through every day.  Just remember, talk about your loved ones because that is how you keep them with you.  I find it a comfort and I hope you do too!

The Holidays

When you lose someone the holidays are a difficult time.  I knew they were going to be hard this year, as everything has been, but I didn't realize how hard.  Last year picking out the tree was the chore, this year picking out the tree was ok, it turned out to be huge but it was ok. Just all other aspects of the holiday were extremely difficult. 

It began as soon as we started decorating the tree.  Poor Nate asked me who usually put the lights on the tree. Well that was the beginning of the end.  I just started crying as I explained to him "dad use to put the lights on and I would check to make sure they all worked and hand them to him as he moved around the tree." Then the ornaments came next.  As I took the boxes out I would become nostalgic about the ornaments Kevin and I bought when we first moved into the house.  So then I am crying because of the memories.  Sitting there I was remembering when we shopped for our decorations and then thought about how the store wasn't around any more. It was a very sad day and I just couldn't bring myself to decorate the rest of the house, not inside or outside.  But we had a tree, I did the shopping, and the boys got presents.  

After all that sadness leading up to the Christmas holidays I was trying to get myself mentally prepared for Christmas Day.  Christmas Eve the boys and I went to church and again I cried through most of it.  I stood there as we sang carols thinking about Kevin standing next to me singing. I guess God took mercy on me and decided I needed a rest from my heart break.  I woke up Christmas morning and I was so ill I could only get out of bed to get sick and Matt had such a high fever he didn't move off the couch.  Christmas was postponed.  As I laid in bed all I could think about was how much I missed Kevin.  How I missed him coming in to check on me, reminding me to only take small sips (even though I heard him every time I took a sip, "honey only small sips.") I apologized all day the next day to Matt that I wasn't able to take care of him. His response was "I was fine mom, you were sicker than me."  

In the end we did celebrate Christmas.  Presents were open the day after Christmas and Christmas dinner was on New Years Day.  Good thing we are flexible and figure it out as we go. Not sure next Christmas will be better but I know it will be different.