The Holidays

When you lose someone the holidays are a difficult time.  I knew they were going to be hard this year, as everything has been, but I didn't realize how hard.  Last year picking out the tree was the chore, this year picking out the tree was ok, it turned out to be huge but it was ok. Just all other aspects of the holiday were extremely difficult. 

It began as soon as we started decorating the tree.  Poor Nate asked me who usually put the lights on the tree. Well that was the beginning of the end.  I just started crying as I explained to him "dad use to put the lights on and I would check to make sure they all worked and hand them to him as he moved around the tree." Then the ornaments came next.  As I took the boxes out I would become nostalgic about the ornaments Kevin and I bought when we first moved into the house.  So then I am crying because of the memories.  Sitting there I was remembering when we shopped for our decorations and then thought about how the store wasn't around any more. It was a very sad day and I just couldn't bring myself to decorate the rest of the house, not inside or outside.  But we had a tree, I did the shopping, and the boys got presents.  

After all that sadness leading up to the Christmas holidays I was trying to get myself mentally prepared for Christmas Day.  Christmas Eve the boys and I went to church and again I cried through most of it.  I stood there as we sang carols thinking about Kevin standing next to me singing. I guess God took mercy on me and decided I needed a rest from my heart break.  I woke up Christmas morning and I was so ill I could only get out of bed to get sick and Matt had such a high fever he didn't move off the couch.  Christmas was postponed.  As I laid in bed all I could think about was how much I missed Kevin.  How I missed him coming in to check on me, reminding me to only take small sips (even though I heard him every time I took a sip, "honey only small sips.") I apologized all day the next day to Matt that I wasn't able to take care of him. His response was "I was fine mom, you were sicker than me."  

In the end we did celebrate Christmas.  Presents were open the day after Christmas and Christmas dinner was on New Years Day.  Good thing we are flexible and figure it out as we go. Not sure next Christmas will be better but I know it will be different.