8 Years and Counting

Have you had that conversation with your spouse/partner about your end of life wishes? Well Kevin and I had that conversation.  Here is how it went:

Kevin: I don't want to be on life support.

Me: Got it, I understand.

Kevin: I really don't want to be on that vent!

Me: I understand, I will not put you on the vent.

Kevin: Yes you will, I know you.

Me: No, I will honor your wishes.

Kevin: No you won't!

Well he knew me better than I knew myself.  I had him put on the vent. However, I knew I could make the decision to take him off. 

I will never forget that day, June 3rd. The doctor walks in and told me they had tried to wake him up several times and there was no response.  He told me I needed to think about taking him off the vent and make a decision.  My response was can we do it tomorrow, I need to get my family here and can I be there when you do it.  I think he was shocked, but as much as Kevin knew I couldn't honor his wishes, I could make whatever decisions I needed to make.  I remember making all the phone calls to the family. I remember no one answering my calls and they all had to call me back.  I remember sitting there alone knowing what was going to happen. The younger two boys were the first to get there.  Telling them was the hardest, but they were strong.  When the rest of the family got there they all got a chance to say good-bye and then the doctor, the nurse, and I were in the room with Kevin.  I held his hand as they extubated him.  Then the family came back in to be with him.  Just so you know, it doesn't happen right away. It took 7 hours, he waited for me to fall asleep next him, which was how he wanted to go, sleeping next to me.  

Please don't tell me how strong I am or how brave I am.  I am not strong or brave, I am a survivor, a mom. I did what I did because I had to.  This was the hand I was dealt and I had to step up to the challenge and just do it.  I made mistakes, it hasn't been easy being a mom to teenage boys. These 8 years have not been about me but about my kids and taking care of them and giving them the best life they could have.  Now they will be 21 this year, creating lives of their own, and I hope they will be successful.  We tried to show them what a positive, loving relationship is and I tried to show them how to be resilient. Hopefully these lessons have sunk in.

I guess now it is me time and I have an amazing group of friends who are helping me and I love them for that. I also have a wonderful sister who is making sure I am doing things too and I love her for that.  I am beginning to look forward to what comes next in my life.  I miss Kevin every day, but I know he wants me to be happy. 

7 Years Later

 I can not believe it has been 7 years.  It is amazing how life goes on, how things ebb and flow, how you learn to do what you have to do to survive.  Survive - that is what I have done for 7 years, survived.  It was not easy, but here I am.  I have raised 2 boys through their teenage years. Yes, Kevin missed all of their teen years.  The boys were 12 and now they will be 20.  I survived, a few more grey hairs, a few more wrinkles but I made it through.  We got through middle school, high school, driving, graduation and starting college.  

It is not just me it has been hard on, but the boys too.  I am mom and dad, trying to teach mom and dad things, that's a laugh.  I am learning to be handy, sort of.  We navigate through things together, YouTube is my friend.  When you have 2 parents each one has their things you go to them for, I am it.  When you have 2 parents you have options for advice, I'm it.  They only have me, for the good, the bad and the ugly. It is hard being supportive and a hard ass at the same time.

I have had amazing support from family and friends.  I don't know where we would be without them.  But ultimately it was the boys and me. Now they are on to the next chapter of their lives and this is the chapter that Kevin and I were looking forward to, together.  However, that chapter is just me now, but not completely.  As I said, I have amazing family and friends.  Friends who h
ave made sure I am not sitting home alone, friends who I go out with to talk, eat and drink, friends I sometimes do crafts with or drive and find some crazy thing to check out, friends I can laugh with, who support me and give me advice when I need it. Then there is my family, who I travel with, make spur of the moment plans with and couldn't live without.  

My life may not be where I thought it would be, but all and all it is not so bad!

College Acceptance

I can't believe my boys are 18 and applying to college.  Today Nate got his second acceptance to college.  I am so proud of him but it hit me really hard.  Most people would think that it is because I know that they are leaving but that is not it.  

Nate and I were sitting together and I was telling him how proud I am and I started to cry.  Nate made the same assumption as everyone else and he said to me, "Mom I will be back, I am not going forever."  At that point I literally fell apart. Nate got up and gave me a big hug. I told him that is not why I am crying, I just miss his dad.  His response was that he misses him too. I just broke down even more. 

It breaks my heart to think about what the boys have missed out on.  I know I have done a great job being mom and dad.  I have seen how amazing my boys are.  They have both become Eagle Scouts.  They are polite to everyone, kind hearted, talk to the parents of their friends and all adults they come in contact with. However, I also know they had to grow up sooner then their peers and often have no tolerance for their complaints about trivial things.  We talk often about their relationships with others and feelings about loosing their dad.

Today I am crying because of all that my boys are missing out on and how much I miss Kevin.  I know he is looking down on us and so proud, but it is not the same.  It is also not something the boys want to hear and many time I don't either.    We are strong together but right now our hearts are broken and I am not sure they will ever really be whole again.

           

The Twister Table

Life is always continuing  on a forward motion and as the boys get older there are certain things that begin to repeat themselves.  When Dan was in college, he and his friends would come down and stay here.  In the morning they would get up and Kevin and I would make breakfast for all of them.  They would sit around our dining room table talking and laughing and we would just stand back and watch.  If you have ever seen the movie Twister where they are sitting at the table eating breakfast that was the memory it brought up for us.  After Kevin passed the group would still come and I would still make breakfast for all of them and that memory of Kevin and I standing and thinking of the movie filled my heart. 

Fast forward a few years hear I am with the "next generation" of Walker friends. I made dinner the other night and with that the boys friends all walk in and they sat around the dining room table with plates and food all talking and laughing.  The first memory I get is Kevin saying it is like the movie Twister.  It filled my heart with such love.

The funny thing is that I have been thinking a lot about our summers together sitting by the fire talking and enjoying each others company.  Then sitting with Dan's friends talking, giving advice and laughing.  Now I am sitting with the boys' friends talking, giving advice and laughing.  I wish Kevin were here to experience it with me.  I know he would really like their friends and enjoy spending time with them. 

Moving forward

Losing a spouse and how you deal with it is a very personal thing.  Some people are able to continue on with their life fairly quickly, cleaning things out, dating again and getting married.  For other people, it may take a longer time.  I am definitely in the second group and I am ok with that. 

It has been 5 years since Kevin passed.  In that time I have focused on raising my amazing boys from pre-teens to seniors in high school.  However, if you walk into my house, my bedroom, my bathroom you would think my husband was still here.  As I was doing my deep cleaning after school finished I got to the bathroom and realized it was time.  It was time to throw out the toothbrushes, the razor and the shaving cream that have been sitting there for over 5 years.  I have been cleaning around them all this time and never thought twice about it, but as I was in there I just decided it was time.  

Our bedroom was the next area to tackle.  As I dusted Kevin's dresser I found all sorts of things, some stuff did get thrown out and others were just dusted off and put back.  I am good with that.  I threw out his underwear and socks and his jeans will be next.  That will be it for now though.  I am not in a place in my life where I can just get rid of everything of his.  I can't box it up, I can't throw it out, I can't not have him with me.  

That is me though, that is how I deal with it.  I know people who were able to get rid of their spouses stuff, start dating and get married.  I don't judge them for that, it is just not me.  Everyone is different in how they process death and loss.  Me, I take it one year, one day, one moment at a time. 

I am thankful

Thanksgiving is a time to be thankful.  Kevin would always make sure at dinner we shared what we are each thankful for.  So this year I am thankful for the wonderful years we had together, through sickness and health.  I am blessed to have our children that I can see him in every day.  His love of music, the outdoors, Christmas decorating, his sense of humor, facial expressions, and importance of family come through every day.  

The boys are becoming amazing young men who are caring, polite, outgoing and creative.  From the time they were young Kevin instilled in them the proper way to treat people, especially their mom.  As they became teenagers and now young men I see them remember what their dad taught them. Even when they get mouthy, I see them putting themselves in check.  I am thankful to Kevin for teaching them those skills.

So as you think about Thanksgiving and what you are thankful for, remember the little things.  Those are the memories that will get you through.  Memories are the things everyone should be thankful for.  

I Am Growing

As my life continues down this path I see myself doing many things I never would have done before.  These are things I saw Kevin doing with the boys not me.  These last few month in particular have been trying on my nerves and but eye opening for me. 

The boys turned 16, yes 16 and started driving.  The plan was always that Kevin was going to teach them.  If you ever saw that Subaru commercial where the dad was teaching the twin boys to drive, we always laughed that would be Kevin. No, it was me.  We are surviving the driving thing, the car is in one piece and we are all still talking to one another. What is better than that?

In December I took one of the boys to their first hard rock concert, mosh pit and all. And yes being the "cool" mom, I let him go in.  Kevin would have been in there with him, but not my thing.  My son was just happy I took him.  Thank goodness his wonderful older brother went to help guide him.  That was totally not my kind of music, not my kind of atmosphere, but Kevin would have done it, so I am there to do what he can't.

Yesterday I went to a Dropkick Murphys concert, definitely my kind of music just not my kind of insanity.  The boys were so impressed with mom because a mosh pit broke out right in front of me and I held my own and kept pushing people back in.  The boys were so shocked it took them a while to come stand in front of me as protection.  When it was finished they told me how great it was that I could stand my own ground and not get hurt. 

Through this journey I am learning to stand my own ground, make changes when needed, be the "dad" they need me to be, while still being mom.  I am working on the whole house and yard thing.  That has been difficult while trying to negotiate being mom and dad to 2 teenage boys, who are dealing with girls, sports, high school BS, grades, now thinking about college, working on finishing Eagle Scout, and trying to negotiate doing the right things for themselves.  I am working on finding that balance.  In my opinion the boys are priority and if I say so myself, I am doing a fine job raising 2 amazing men!