8 Years and Counting

Have you had that conversation with your spouse/partner about your end of life wishes? Well Kevin and I had that conversation.  Here is how it went:

Kevin: I don't want to be on life support.

Me: Got it, I understand.

Kevin: I really don't want to be on that vent!

Me: I understand, I will not put you on the vent.

Kevin: Yes you will, I know you.

Me: No, I will honor your wishes.

Kevin: No you won't!

Well he knew me better than I knew myself.  I had him put on the vent. However, I knew I could make the decision to take him off. 

I will never forget that day, June 3rd. The doctor walks in and told me they had tried to wake him up several times and there was no response.  He told me I needed to think about taking him off the vent and make a decision.  My response was can we do it tomorrow, I need to get my family here and can I be there when you do it.  I think he was shocked, but as much as Kevin knew I couldn't honor his wishes, I could make whatever decisions I needed to make.  I remember making all the phone calls to the family. I remember no one answering my calls and they all had to call me back.  I remember sitting there alone knowing what was going to happen. The younger two boys were the first to get there.  Telling them was the hardest, but they were strong.  When the rest of the family got there they all got a chance to say good-bye and then the doctor, the nurse, and I were in the room with Kevin.  I held his hand as they extubated him.  Then the family came back in to be with him.  Just so you know, it doesn't happen right away. It took 7 hours, he waited for me to fall asleep next him, which was how he wanted to go, sleeping next to me.  

Please don't tell me how strong I am or how brave I am.  I am not strong or brave, I am a survivor, a mom. I did what I did because I had to.  This was the hand I was dealt and I had to step up to the challenge and just do it.  I made mistakes, it hasn't been easy being a mom to teenage boys. These 8 years have not been about me but about my kids and taking care of them and giving them the best life they could have.  Now they will be 21 this year, creating lives of their own, and I hope they will be successful.  We tried to show them what a positive, loving relationship is and I tried to show them how to be resilient. Hopefully these lessons have sunk in.

I guess now it is me time and I have an amazing group of friends who are helping me and I love them for that. I also have a wonderful sister who is making sure I am doing things too and I love her for that.  I am beginning to look forward to what comes next in my life.  I miss Kevin every day, but I know he wants me to be happy.