It's Not All About You

All people experience loss of one kind or another.  All people deal with it in a different way.  My loss has been huge and my boys loss is equal to or even larger than mine, but that is my opinion. I guess as I write this I begin to see grief as a personal feeling.  All people feel grief but not all people have to deal with their grief every day.
I know that people miss Kevin every day.  I know that going to a family event is not the same because he is not there. I know coming to my house may be difficult because the last time you were here he was here or as you come down the driveway you expect to see him.  I know that is hard for you but not as hard as every day is for us.  I get up every morning and wish he was laying next to me. All day long I move through my day thinking about him. Being good parent and bad parent sucks and after a year of moving through my haze I am now cracking down on the boys more again.  Dealing with a house and all that goes wrong with it is hard. At dinner time his seat across from me is empty and the conversations now revolve around our memories of Kevin.  I sit and watch TV alone,  I go to parties and family events alone, I go to the boys sports, school and scout events alone, I go to bed alone and talk to his empty side of the bed.  The boys would sit and talk to their dad about anything and everything. Matt would have conversations about books, movies, history, science, anything that they could come up with.  He misses that every day. Nate would sit and banter with his dad and work on his sarcasm, sing with him and enjoy playing video games together.  He misses him every day.  Dan would call and ask for his advice, listen to music together, share thoughts and feelings on different topics.  He misses him every day.

So when you say it is too difficult to go to a family event, visit a friend, or call someone, think about the people that deal with that loss every day.  Think about how they are dealing with their grief and existing. Basically suck it up, get over yourself, stop being selfish and be supportive of the ones that bare the pain every day!

I Did It!

They say your first year is the hardest, I do not agree.  Your first year is survival, numbness and existing.  We made it through a lot of firsts but now that I have to start going out of my comfort zone.  I did that for the first time the other day.  We were invited to a graduation party that was not a family event.  I had no problem saying yes we would go, until the day of the party.  The anxiety I felt was unbelievable.  I had trouble getting out of bed, getting ready, I was so close to calling my friend and saying I'm sorry but we are not coming.  I didn't do that, I couldn't. It was my best friend's daughter's party, I couldn't miss it.  She was there for me for the last year, I had to be there for her to celebrate this milestone in her daughter's life.  
I have not been to a party by myself in the last 18 years. Kevin and I always went together and enjoyed the time we would spend together and with friends.  The stress I was feeling was chest tightening.  When we were on our way I told the boys we would stay for about 2 hours, we actually stayed 6 hours.  I was so proud of myself.  We had a great time, the boys played and I sat and talked to people.
That was a huge step for me. It took everything to accomplish that but I did it!