My Broken Heart

     This has been a very long year and our first summer without Kevin was probably the longest of my life.  The first month I was numb going through the days, but there were glimpses here and there that he was here with me. Sometimes I think I might be crazy or others may find me crazy, but I know what I have seen, heard and felt.  I know he is here with me showing himself to me any way he can.
     One Sunday in June the boys and I went to my sister in-law and my brother in-law's vacation house in Pennsylvania for the day to visit.  On our way to get ice cream I saw this deer looking at me in the truck as I drove past him.  All of a sudden the deer winked at me, yes winked at me.  Nate suddenly said "Mom the deer just winked at us, did you see that!" Matt said, "That was dad, mom, I know that was dad." I knew that too, I could just feel it. The next day I looked out the living room window and looking at the window was a deer.  I called the boys in room and the three of us stood there looking at the deer and while the deer was looking at us.  There was Kevin again checking on us.
     When Kevin and I first met we enjoyed riding on his motorcycle through the mountains and listening to music all the time.  Our taste of music is very eclectic. We would sit at night and listen to Delilah, we also listened to Stone Temple Pilot, Creed, Train and anything else that struck our fancy.  One day, after dropping the boys off with friends, I had to drive home through Minnewaska State Park. I had the radio on  and as I entered the park Stone Temple Pilot's song Plush came on, one of my favorites.  The song played from the beginning of the park to the end of the park.  I cried the whole way through.  That drive was extremely hard.  The memories of the song, riding the motorcycle on those curvy roads and missing my love, my heart was broken.

This Sucks!!!

I am a mom of twin boys, a teacher at the time of 20 second graders, I don't have the time or luxury to be able to lay in bed for days on end and cry.  I wish I could have had that ability but I have to resume some semblance of our lives. Two days after the funeral I am back at work. It was hard walking out the door and not saying goodbye to Kevin. I just kind of said "bye honey" as I walked out the door, I didn't know what else to do.  You get into a routine and when that routine has to change you are very unsettled for quite some time.  I got to school and sat in my truck collecting myself, it was certainly difficult mustering the strength to walk in the building that first day back. Everyone was shocked to see me, but it was field day, easy day to go back and a day of fun.  My class was so thrilled I was back they made me feel loved.  Half way through the day I get called to the principal's office, I am moving to third grade.  More upheaval in my life but a good change I feel. Now I have to pack and move over the next 2 weeks. That was a lot to process on my first day back and I get in the truck to go home and realize Kevin is not there for me to call.  I would call him every day as I left work and ask him "is there anything you need, want or desire." He is not there to call, he is not there to tell I am changing grades, he is not  there to share my ups and downs with.  This sucks!!!

Celebration of Life

Kevin loved Sweeney's, he called it his second living room.  So it was only fitting to have his gathering of loved ones there.  By the time I got down there from the church we were last ones to arrive.  I walked in the door, saw a sea of people, panicked and walked out the side door.  The number of people there overwhelmed me so much I couldn't handle it.  As I walked through, the only person who saw me was Seamus, the bartender and good friend. He said to me "Smithwicks" as I went passed him and out the door.  Standing outside on the deck I was just trying to breath, process the number of people there to say goodbye and just exist in this moment in time.  Seamus sent out my sister with my drink and food and my sister brought out my good friend Stacy, who was and is an amazing support.  We sat there on the deck just talking and helping me cope.  Matt and Nate came out with their good buddies and sat in the corner and ate, talked and laughed.  I was so happy they had them there to distract them.  At one point I went back in because a friend of Kevin's started playing the bagpipes, I tried to hide around the corner but it didn't work, it was time to socialize.  Walking through that sea of people was insane.  I talked to so many people, and I couldn't stop and talk to anyone for a long time because I wanted to make sure I saw everyone. This was something Kevin was really good at and I just followed in his wake, holding his hand, talking to people and moving on with him. Now I have to learn to do this on my own.
The Walker family is extremely musically talented.  Kevin taught himself guitar, Dan, our son, has his degree in instrumental music education, Greg, our nephew, plays any instrument he can get his hands on and Mark, another nephew, plays the guitar.  The three boys decided they would play "Kiss Me I'm Irish" by Gaelic Storm, with help from my brother in-law Bill.  If you ever heard the song you would know it is so Kevin. They did such an amazing job, unfortunately I do not have a recording of them playing it. In memory of my wonderful Irish husband I made sure I went through the entire bar and toasted every person there before the song ended.  It was my way of saying thank you for being there to celebrate the life of a wonderful man.