Saying Good-bye

The day has come.  I am not ready. It is not real. I say to myself "be strong, for you, for the boys, for the people who will be there today going through the line."

I have several friends who were amazing through this whole process, but 2 of them had been through the same thing I was going through.  They lost their husbands when their children were young.  They were my  guides as I moved through these days.  They talked to me, they listened to me and they encouraged me.  They tried to prepare me for those two days.  I remember them coming through the line and all I remember say to them was "you forgot to tell me I would be comforting everyone else."  That is your job as all these people come through the line.  Give hugs, console, listen.

The time had come for us to leave the house and go to the funeral home.  Kevin's friend Tim is here from California.  He had promised Kevin he would be there for his family.  Tim will be my driver for the next few days.  We get to the funeral home and go through all the particulars, where to stand, how the line will go, water in the refrigerator.  Then I see our friend Mike with the Correction Officers Honor Guard, I am relieved he is there to direct them.

It is just about time. The Honor Guard is in place, the boys are there with me lined up, I think we are ready.  I look down and see my two little boys so strong, so brave, standing ready to greet these people they don't know. The afternoon wasn't so bad, not too many people. There was a constant flow but nothing crazy.  The evening was three hours of nonstop people. People stood in line for an hour waiting to talk to us. Kevin was well known, well liked and involved in many things. Then add my friends and co-workers, the boys friends and teachers, and family and you have a sh-- load of people. I don't remember everyone that came through, certain people stick out in my mind for different reasons, a parent of one of my students with a hand made card, the boy scouts all in uniform, and 100 masons lined up for the masonic service. I remember Nate standing there with a box of tissues for people as they got to him because more times than not they were crying.  I remember consoling people, hugging people, and watching my boys grow up right there before my eyes talking to people like grown up men.  That was one of the longest days of my life.

The second longest day was the next day, the funeral.  We got to the funeral home and I was strong and stoic until the very end when I had to say goodbye.  Then I fell apart, Tim had to walk me out to the car as I sat there in tears, the boys were getting directions on being pall bearers. We get to the church and I come around the corner and there are bagpipes and the honor guard.  I am not going to make it through today. I start to cry.  The 4 boys then line up with their uncle, Kevin's brother and 3 cousins, one to represent each family and begin to carry in the casket. I follow them in the church. We get inside and I see a church full of people, every pew is full and people are standing, I am beside myself. All I say to myself is breath, you can do this.  Again I don't remember everything.  There are somethings that stick out in my mind, our friends Beth, Alec and Sara singing, a different parent of one of my students there, and as each person comes by for communion they touch my shoulder, hug me or grab my hand.

Now Kevin had quite the sense of humor, as we sat there in church the organist finishes playing a song and all of a sudden the book fell and hit the keys.  I had to laugh, all the years going to church that has
never happened. I know Kevin did it. When the service was over the procession moved outside, more bagpipes, more honor guard, now the folding of the flag. Standing there I see the casket start to move toward the car, I see my brother in-law move to stop it, I start to laugh, my sister and sister in-law move to console me I turn and they both are surprised I am not crying. Kevin was done, he was saying enough of this B---s--- go to Sweeney's already. He hated being the center of attention.  I get the flag and they move him into the car.  It is time, this is it, I have to say my final goodbye.  I reach in, touch the casket and tell him I love him.  Then he is gone and I am here alone, but not really.

Planning our good-bye

After another night of not much sleep I go to meet with our priest, Reverend Peggy.  She is amazing.  Kevin loved talking to her and would discuss the bible with her for hours.  The bible is not my specialty. I go to church, I listen to the sermon, Kevin and I would discuss the sermon, our thoughts and feelings, but I could not talk to him about the bible.  I never really read it or understood it the way he did. So, when the boys and I sat down to talk with Reverend Peggy I was at a loss. As we sat and discussed the particulars I had to pick out reading and hymns. How do you pick just the right ones, I felt overwhelmed but with the help of Peggy and Dan we picked the perfect readings and hymns for Kevin.  Then we had to discuss the eulogy, the four boys wanted to talk about their dad.  Reverend Peggy had the best advice for the boys, especially since the twins, Matt and Nate wanted to talk about their dad, she said tell one story about your dad because you don't want everyone else to think they can own your pain.  Reverend Peggy was that bright light in that very dark day.  

The boys and I went home and prepared for our up coming two days.  We had to shop for clothes, the 3 boys, Dan, Matt and Nate, decided they wanted to match, black pants, black shirts and sunglasses. The hardest part was picking out clothes for me, I always tried clothes on and got Kevin's opinion even though he always said "Baby doll you look great in everything!" I missed hearing that and of course the boys were all yeah mom that looks good.  Not the same.

The final thing that needed to be done was going through pictures and putting together the boards.  Let me tell you there was a lot of crying.  All of those memories, pictures from when we were dating and trips with Dan, our wedding, the boys being born, vacations with them, and all that we had done together, with the kids or alone all came flooding back. All I thought was this sucks, I miss him so much, I need him here with me. However, the happy memories helped me through and so did the boys.

Getting Ready to Say Goodbye

How do you prepare to say goodbye to your other half? I just didn't know. The whole thing was so overwhelming. After 2 hours of sleep I start my phone calls. The first call goes to the funeral director who goes over what I need to do today: meet with him, pick out a suit, write Kevin's obituary and think about what Kevin and I had discussed for his funeral when the day came.  When the boys get up I am sitting at the table trying to write, what do I say, what do I include. I share with Dan what I have written and it gets the family approval. I now need to decide on a suit, shirt and tie.  He always looked so handsome in a suit and I loved seeing him in a blue tie.  I honestly don't remember what shirt I put him in, I guess it was not important. I go to the funeral home with the 2 older boys, the twins don't need to be part of this, it is hard enough for them. We make all of the arrangements, one day wake, honor guard because he was a CO, masonic service and pick out an urn because he wanted to be cremated.  There we are looking at urns, I do not know what I want. Then it jumps out at me, a simple box with an 8x10 frame, perfect. Check, one thing done and I made it through.
When Kevin's mom passed away we went to Sweeney's Irish Pub to decompress and discuss what needed to be done next.  It seemed only fitting that I take Dan and John there for us to remember and honor their father. We discuss what still needs to be done, meet with the priest, select pictures, order flowers and make sure everyone has clothes clothes to wear for the 2 days.  I also use this time to plan the gathering after the funeral.  A celebration of life at Sweeney's, Kevin's second living room as he called it. My heart is heavy as I go through all of this but I am brave and strong for the boys.  I am also very much in shock.

I Am Not Really Alone

Kevin always said he would haunt me forever.  I thought I believed in all of that but never having the strong connection to someone the way I have to Kevin I was not sure.  The first morning home, not being able to sleep, everything racing through my head, I was laying in our bed missing him terribly.  The boys were asleep, the dogs were at my parents house and all of a sudden the bedroom door opens.  I know he is there.  I know he is with me. Our connection is one that will never be broken.  At that point I knew, Kevin may not be here with me physically but I know he will help to guide me on this journey I am now on alone.

The Beginning

Sue and Kevin 

June 4, 2015 my entire world changed. I did not choose this, I did not want this, I did not deserve this. I became a single mom, alone missing my partner, my husband, my best friend.  All that I thought about was how am going to survive, what am I going to do, how can I do this.  Then I said to myself I have to do this for my kids, my 12 year old twin boys who just lost their dad, my 22 year old son who is finishing college and dad isn't there to coach him through the rest of his life.  I am now mom and dad.  I can do this, I will find the New Normal.