College Acceptance

I can't believe my boys are 18 and applying to college.  Today Nate got his second acceptance to college.  I am so proud of him but it hit me really hard.  Most people would think that it is because I know that they are leaving but that is not it.  

Nate and I were sitting together and I was telling him how proud I am and I started to cry.  Nate made the same assumption as everyone else and he said to me, "Mom I will be back, I am not going forever."  At that point I literally fell apart. Nate got up and gave me a big hug. I told him that is not why I am crying, I just miss his dad.  His response was that he misses him too. I just broke down even more. 

It breaks my heart to think about what the boys have missed out on.  I know I have done a great job being mom and dad.  I have seen how amazing my boys are.  They have both become Eagle Scouts.  They are polite to everyone, kind hearted, talk to the parents of their friends and all adults they come in contact with. However, I also know they had to grow up sooner then their peers and often have no tolerance for their complaints about trivial things.  We talk often about their relationships with others and feelings about loosing their dad.

Today I am crying because of all that my boys are missing out on and how much I miss Kevin.  I know he is looking down on us and so proud, but it is not the same.  It is also not something the boys want to hear and many time I don't either.    We are strong together but right now our hearts are broken and I am not sure they will ever really be whole again.

           

The Twister Table

Life is always continuing  on a forward motion and as the boys get older there are certain things that begin to repeat themselves.  When Dan was in college, he and his friends would come down and stay here.  In the morning they would get up and Kevin and I would make breakfast for all of them.  They would sit around our dining room table talking and laughing and we would just stand back and watch.  If you have ever seen the movie Twister where they are sitting at the table eating breakfast that was the memory it brought up for us.  After Kevin passed the group would still come and I would still make breakfast for all of them and that memory of Kevin and I standing and thinking of the movie filled my heart. 

Fast forward a few years hear I am with the "next generation" of Walker friends. I made dinner the other night and with that the boys friends all walk in and they sat around the dining room table with plates and food all talking and laughing.  The first memory I get is Kevin saying it is like the movie Twister.  It filled my heart with such love.

The funny thing is that I have been thinking a lot about our summers together sitting by the fire talking and enjoying each others company.  Then sitting with Dan's friends talking, giving advice and laughing.  Now I am sitting with the boys' friends talking, giving advice and laughing.  I wish Kevin were here to experience it with me.  I know he would really like their friends and enjoy spending time with them. 

Moving forward

Losing a spouse and how you deal with it is a very personal thing.  Some people are able to continue on with their life fairly quickly, cleaning things out, dating again and getting married.  For other people, it may take a longer time.  I am definitely in the second group and I am ok with that. 

It has been 5 years since Kevin passed.  In that time I have focused on raising my amazing boys from pre-teens to seniors in high school.  However, if you walk into my house, my bedroom, my bathroom you would think my husband was still here.  As I was doing my deep cleaning after school finished I got to the bathroom and realized it was time.  It was time to throw out the toothbrushes, the razor and the shaving cream that have been sitting there for over 5 years.  I have been cleaning around them all this time and never thought twice about it, but as I was in there I just decided it was time.  

Our bedroom was the next area to tackle.  As I dusted Kevin's dresser I found all sorts of things, some stuff did get thrown out and others were just dusted off and put back.  I am good with that.  I threw out his underwear and socks and his jeans will be next.  That will be it for now though.  I am not in a place in my life where I can just get rid of everything of his.  I can't box it up, I can't throw it out, I can't not have him with me.  

That is me though, that is how I deal with it.  I know people who were able to get rid of their spouses stuff, start dating and get married.  I don't judge them for that, it is just not me.  Everyone is different in how they process death and loss.  Me, I take it one year, one day, one moment at a time.