Anger is Good Sometimes

After almost three years I find there are times I get angry at Kevin.  The last couple of weeks have been very emotional for me.  There is a lot going on in the boys lives and Kevin is not here to be a part of it. He is not here to share the burden or the success of parenting.

It all hit me last week when the high school musical came to our school and I saw one of the boys performing in the cast and realized Kevin won't ever see him perform (in person).   A couple of days later I get their progress reports, there was a failing grade and an almost failing grade.  Now I am really angry with Kevin. Here is the conversation, "Why do I have to deal with this alone?!", "I need you here to share this conversation with him!", "I can't do this by myself!" Well I had the conversation by myself, I took away the Xbox, gave him ideas of ways to solve his grading problem and hoped for the best.  Same day I get a phone call from the assistant principal at school that he got in trouble.  All day I was stressing about how to deal with him again. What would Kevin say, what would we say together.  When my son got into the car I think he was stressed out more than I was about what I would say.  I told him, "I totally understand what you did and why you did it, just remember not to put your hands on someone in school."  I know that is what Kevin would have said, just in his own "DAD" way. 

People may say "you know he is there watching", "he is with you all the time", "he sees what the boys are doing and he is so proud of them."  I know they mean well and are genuine in their expression of support and understanding.   I am the first person to say that I know he is with me all the time and he is watching over all of us but, I can tell you beyond a doubt three years later I am still angry at him for leaving me and leaving the boys. And depending on the day he knows I am angry too!