Three years later

Three years have gone by and I am not sure which day of this week is the worst.  Kevin actually passed away on June 4th but for me I think June 3rd is worse.  The thing is I can remember every part of that day like it was yesterday.  

For me this is the hardest day because I made that difficult decision to end the fight. A doctor walked in to Kevin's room that I never met.  He was polite, concerned and kind.  He proceeded to tell me that they had tried to wake up Kevin to start taking him off the vent but there was no response.  The doctor then told me we could start shutting machines off slowly.  Well, Kevin never wanted to be on the vent to begin with, so the only thing I could do was have them shut everything down at once.  We decided to do that in the morning.  The only thing I ask them was to allow me to be there when they turned the machines off.  Once the decision was made I had to get the whole family there, but I could not get a hold of anyone. I left a lot of messages to call me back. I sat there a long time by myself talking to Kevin, dealing with my decision. One of the techs walked in and told me how strong he thought I was for making the decision to turn everything off at once.  He gave me a hug and left.  

The boys got there first with my parents and the strangest thing happened, Kevin sat up and then laid back down.  The doctor and nurse came in and I realized that was his way of saying goodbye to the boys.  The decision was made to shut the machines off that night.  


Kevin's sisters and brothers got to the hospital, all 4 of our boys were there, nieces and nephews and close friends came to say their goodbyes.  It was time.  I stood next to Kevin and held his hand as they shut off each machine.  I could not let him be alone, I was strong for him and for me.  The family came back in, we stood around him waiting, but it is not like tv, it takes awhile.  We played music for him, sat and talked and waited.  At about 2:30am I fell asleep next to Kevin.  He always said he wanted to die sleeping next to me.  At 3am he took his last breath just the way he wanted, sleeping next to me. 

Anger is Good Sometimes

After almost three years I find there are times I get angry at Kevin.  The last couple of weeks have been very emotional for me.  There is a lot going on in the boys lives and Kevin is not here to be a part of it. He is not here to share the burden or the success of parenting.

It all hit me last week when the high school musical came to our school and I saw one of the boys performing in the cast and realized Kevin won't ever see him perform (in person).   A couple of days later I get their progress reports, there was a failing grade and an almost failing grade.  Now I am really angry with Kevin. Here is the conversation, "Why do I have to deal with this alone?!", "I need you here to share this conversation with him!", "I can't do this by myself!" Well I had the conversation by myself, I took away the Xbox, gave him ideas of ways to solve his grading problem and hoped for the best.  Same day I get a phone call from the assistant principal at school that he got in trouble.  All day I was stressing about how to deal with him again. What would Kevin say, what would we say together.  When my son got into the car I think he was stressed out more than I was about what I would say.  I told him, "I totally understand what you did and why you did it, just remember not to put your hands on someone in school."  I know that is what Kevin would have said, just in his own "DAD" way. 

People may say "you know he is there watching", "he is with you all the time", "he sees what the boys are doing and he is so proud of them."  I know they mean well and are genuine in their expression of support and understanding.   I am the first person to say that I know he is with me all the time and he is watching over all of us but, I can tell you beyond a doubt three years later I am still angry at him for leaving me and leaving the boys. And depending on the day he knows I am angry too!

Kevin's Strength

The boys are getting older and bigger.  They have started high school and the teenage attitude is coming out and rearing its ugly head. I miss Kevin during all of this.  

They boys are taking high school by storm.  They are doing a sport every season, involved in music and Nate is doing the musical.  I know he is smiling down on them daily but it is not the same as being here.  

As successful as they are, they are still teenagers and give me that daily attitude. Dealing with that on my own is rough, but I am finding my way through it.  How do I do it?  I stand strong in my convictions.  I try not to bend.  In my head I hear Kevin's voice say "that is not how you speak to your mother." I don't like to throw at them if your father was here he would say ... That is not fair to them, but at calmer times I do talk about their father's thoughts and feelings.  We talk about what their dad's expectations are for them.  I feel it is important to keep Kevin a part of their lives.

I talk to Kevin often, in my head, out loud, whatever works.  I find it therapeutic because I am talking things out.  Does he answer me?  Sometimes I think so.  I feel an inner strength sometimes when dealing with the boys. I know he is there with me giving me guidance.   

The boys and I take one day at a time still.  However, I think we have a very strong relationship that helps us get through every day and year.