Recently a number of people that I know have lost someone close to them. This is probably the best advice I can give, talk about your loved one as much as possible.
The boys and I talk about Kevin all the time. We tell stories about things we remember. We laugh together about things he said and things he did. Those memories keep us going and close to him always. These conversations I don't always start, the boys now start them also.
Not long ago Nate mentioned he really didn't like Halloween. Let me tell you it is definitely not my favorite. We talked about trick or treating and how Kevin would always refuse to go with us, his excuse was "someone might come to the house and I need to be here to give out candy." No one ever came to our house and we never had any candy. We laughed about that, then the boys mentioned Fright Fest which we now do. They said, "Dad would have loved Fright Fest. He would have gone ahead of you, mom and hid around the corner to scare you." We laughed and laughed. He so would have done that. Right after that the door bell rang, we had friends coming over. Nate said, "Mom, remember that night Oscar stopped by and dad yelled something at the door. What was that he said?" Well if you have seen SNL there was a skit on there that had to do with someone at a door. Our friend Antoni was at the house when that happened and he was the one at the other side of the door this time. He was able to share that story with the boys. They thought it was the funniest thing.
This past week the boys and I went to a birthday party for a friend. I sat there watching the boys play at the table flipping bottles, waving their hands back and forth to the music, and calling out songs to the band with a man who worked with Kevin for years and was his "brother". All those things the boys would have been doing with their dad, but this man, this friend did this with them selflessly. Driving home we talked about it. The boys talked about how they would have done all of that with dad and they were happy to have done those things and been able to think about him.
We talk about Kevin so much that it doesn't hurt as much to mention him. It is actually a comfort. I miss him every day but the memories of him and the things we have done together help me get through every day. Just remember, talk about your loved ones because that is how you keep them with you. I find it a comfort and I hope you do too!
When you lose someone the holidays are a difficult time. I knew they were going to be hard this year, as everything has been, but I didn't realize how hard. Last year picking out the tree was the chore, this year picking out the tree was ok, it turned out to be huge but it was ok. Just all other aspects of the holiday were extremely difficult.
It began as soon as we started decorating the tree. Poor Nate asked me who usually put the lights on the tree. Well that was the beginning of the end. I just started crying as I explained to him "dad use to put the lights on and I would check to make sure they all worked and hand them to him as he moved around the tree." Then the ornaments came next. As I took the boxes out I would become nostalgic about the ornaments Kevin and I bought when we first moved into the house. So then I am crying because of the memories. Sitting there I was remembering when we shopped for our decorations and then thought about how the store wasn't around any more. It was a very sad day and I just couldn't bring myself to decorate the rest of the house, not inside or outside. But we had a tree, I did the shopping, and the boys got presents.
After all that sadness leading up to the Christmas holidays I was trying to get myself mentally prepared for Christmas Day. Christmas Eve the boys and I went to church and again I cried through most of it. I stood there as we sang carols thinking about Kevin standing next to me singing. I guess God took mercy on me and decided I needed a rest from my heart break. I woke up Christmas morning and I was so ill I could only get out of bed to get sick and Matt had such a high fever he didn't move off the couch. Christmas was postponed. As I laid in bed all I could think about was how much I missed Kevin. How I missed him coming in to check on me, reminding me to only take small sips (even though I heard him every time I took a sip, "honey only small sips.") I apologized all day the next day to Matt that I wasn't able to take care of him. His response was "I was fine mom, you were sicker than me."
In the end we did celebrate Christmas. Presents were open the day after Christmas and Christmas dinner was on New Years Day. Good thing we are flexible and figure it out as we go. Not sure next Christmas will be better but I know it will be different.
