I can't believe my boys are 18 and applying to college. Today Nate got his second acceptance to college. I am so proud of him but it hit me really hard. Most people would think that it is because I know that they are leaving but that is not it.
Nate and I were sitting together and I was telling him how proud I am and I started to cry. Nate made the same assumption as everyone else and he said to me, "Mom I will be back, I am not going forever." At that point I literally fell apart. Nate got up and gave me a big hug. I told him that is not why I am crying, I just miss his dad. His response was that he misses him too. I just broke down even more.
It breaks my heart to think about what the boys have missed out on. I know I have done a great job being mom and dad. I have seen how amazing my boys are. They have both become Eagle Scouts. They are polite to everyone, kind hearted, talk to the parents of their friends and all adults they come in contact with. However, I also know they had to grow up sooner then their peers and often have no tolerance for their complaints about trivial things. We talk often about their relationships with others and feelings about loosing their dad.
Today I am crying because of all that my boys are missing out on and how much I miss Kevin. I know he is looking down on us and so proud, but it is not the same. It is also not something the boys want to hear and many time I don't either. We are strong together but right now our hearts are broken and I am not sure they will ever really be whole again.
