I'm a Survivor

Kevin and I would talk often about life and death.  It was more him talking and me commenting, but it wasn't something I ever took real seriously.  He would say "I know you will be remarried a year after I die," my comment "yeah right!" He would tell me "when I die scatter my ashes over the falls," my response "no I want you with me." He then would say "I will haunt you forever," to which I said "go ahead." These were our silly little banters back and forth.  On a more serious note, Kevin would tell me there is no way he could be a single parent to the twins, but he always said I was strong enough to do it on my own.  Here I am 17 months later, not remarried, Kevin's ashes here in the house not over the falls, he is haunting me on occasion and I am parenting on my own.
I have friends and family tell me how strong I am, what an amazing person I am and how they don't know how I do it.  Here is how I see my life... I am the support system for my kids, not just Matt, Nate and Dan, but the kids I teach also.  What good am I to any of them if I am falling apart all the time.  I would love to just curl up and cry for a day, a week, a month or a year but I don't have that luxury.   I am a mom, which at this point in tales, doctor appointments (many between a concussion and a broken hand), watching their sporting events, shuttling them to boy scout and volunteer activities, tutoring, and any other school or social event Matt and Nate have going on. Then there is being a sounding board and adviser for Dan.  Finally, teaching keeps me going too, my mood directly effects the kids in my class, if I am up they are up, if I am down they are definitely off.  
I guess I am strong, in a way my behavior is amazing, I do it because I have to, but ultimately I am a survivor.  I am surviving life, my life. I think that is the only way I can do it. And yes there are days I do just mope around the house when the boys are off at some boy scouting thing. There are days I just need that!