I know there are people who have felt this way. How do I manage the kids going here and going there, this needs to be fixed, that needs to be replaced. In the past I had my partner, I had him for everything. He was the resident handyman, the landscaper, the cook and bottle washer. Report card time, Kevin took care of dinner, never homework - that was my job, but dinner. That really sucked this year trying to help the boys with homework, feed them, take them to their extra curricular things and do my report cards. I felt like something had to give, it was usually dinner. Probably not the best thing to give, but definitely the easiest. We have been eating a lot of crap at times.The boys try to be good and understanding, but they are 13, lost their dad, don't want to lose their mom so I am on time watch. Yes that is right, time watch. "What time will you be home mom?" Phone rings, "Mom you said you would be home in an hour it is 1 hour and 15 minutes, are you ok? Are you coming home soon?" So I am very time conscious now.
I never thought I was a good mom but I believed we were good parents. We worked well together and supported each other in everything. If I couldn't be there or do something Kevin was there. Now it is all me. Yes I have a wonderful family however I am still the parent, both mom and dad.
Our year continued to get worse and the boys certainly could have used Dad. Matt, one of the twins, got a concussion. I am not the medical half of the partnership, that was Kevin. Matt broke his arm in second grade, Kevin took him to the specialist, the hospital, went with him into the operating room and stayed with him when he couldn't go back to school. That was his gift, he knew the right questions to ask and how to explain things. So here I am going to specialists alone not knowing what to expect or have someone there to say something I forgot, trying to help Matt and be my positive self. Kevin was the realist, I am the idealist (Kevin would say "DeNile" is a river in Egypt.) I like it there, not always a good place to be, but it works for me. Through all of this Matt spent 4 months home and is now only in school half day. I don't know how I would have handled all of this if it wasn't for my parents, sister and friends. Nate on the other hand is having his own set of issues. He loves music and sports and is involved in before school music ensembles and after school sports teams. He is having problems academically to the point where we argue and I have to send him out of the room. Kevin and I would always tag team Nate, he is the difficult one and too much like me. Now I have to find a balance and I am not finding it right now. In order to help him though I signed him up for tutoring in math and hope that he finds his way with is help. Then there is Dan and his year has not been much better. Kevin was the voice of reason for him, his go to guy, the person he would go to for advice. Kevin was always calm and thought things
through and would guide Dan in the right direction. I am not Kevin!!! I try but I don't have his life experiences that made him who is was. I try to think of what he would say and how he would support him and I know I fall short, but I am there for him, I listen, I advise and I try to help. In reality I AM NOT DAD!! and I know the boys all miss him. I know I do :(
